Explaining Kinship Relationships

It is inevitable that at some point, the child you are raising will be asked a question by another child that is uncomfortable for her -- a question about her ‘real‘ mom and dad. These questions are not only uncomfortable, they can also trigger painful feelings for a child as the child, is reminded about her missing parent and confused about how to answer.

Assess the situation. Practicing this kind of conversation can help. First, talk about the question in context of the situation. For example, someone in line at the grocery store or a kid you run into on the playground really don’t need an answer. The child can choose to ignore the question or simply walk away. It is unlikely someone in this situation will press for an answer; but if one does and you are there, you can quickly jump in and change the subject.

Assess the relationship. If the question is asked by a classmate during class or by a neighborhood friend during a playdate, it may be more difficult to deflect. Talk with the child about quickly assessing the relationship with that particular friend before answering. Is this a trusted friend? Would it feel okay to share a little about the family situation with this friend? If the child is unsure, it might be worthwhile to practice saying something like, “I can’t live with my mother right now, and I really don’t want to talk about it.” Hopefully, the other child will get the message and move on.

Practice makes perfect. Assisting the child with coming up with ‘canned’ answers will help her keep composure and continue her play or school work. Unfortunately, there will be times when ‘that’ kid just won’t let it go. An emotional reaction is inevitable, and being there to help the child process what happened will likely fall on you. Listen and empathize during the painful fallout, and then remind the child to keep her planned responses in place. They will work most of the time and having a plan feels much safer than winging it.