It is inevitable that at some point, the child you are raising will be asked a question by another child that is uncomfortable for her -- a question about her ‘real‘ mom and dad. These questions are not only uncomfortable, they can also trigger painful feelings for a child as the child, is reminded about her missing parent and confused about how to answer.
Assess the situation. Practicing this kind of conversation can help. First, talk about the question in context of the situation. For example, someone in line at the grocery store or a kid you run into on the playground really don’t need an answer. The child can choose to ignore the question or simply walk away. It is unlikely someone in this situation will press for an answer; but if one does and you are there, you can quickly jump in and change the subject.
Assess the relationship. If the question is asked by a classmate during class or by a neighborhood friend during a playdate, it may be more difficult to deflect. Talk with the child about quickly assessing the relationship with that particular friend before answering. Is this a trusted friend? Would it feel okay to share a little about the family situation with this friend? If the child is unsure, it might be worthwhile to practice saying something like, “I can’t live with my mother right now, and I really don’t want to talk about it.” Hopefully, the other child will get the message and move on.
Practice makes perfect. Assisting the child with coming up with ‘canned’ answers will help her keep composure and continue her play or school work.
Unfortunately, there will be times when ‘that’ kid just won’t let it go. An emotional reaction is inevitable, and being there to help the child process what happened will likely fall on you. Listen and empathize during the painful fallout, and then remind the child to keep her planned responses in place. They will work most of the time and having a plan feels much safer than winging it.
Monday, September 30, 2013
Tuesday, September 24, 2013
A Whole Big Suitcase of Emotions
Kinship Caregiving can create a myriad of mixed emotions for the caregiver. Emotions such as guilt, shame, and resentment are common. One thing to remember is that all emotions are valid and whether or not they are rational, they are yours. If you name them and own them, you are on your way to dealing with them in a healthy way so that they are less likely to interfere with your parenting. Here are some emotions common to kinship caregiving:
Resentment- towards the parent who is not able or willing to care for their child. And, sometimes, towards the child. This really isn't rational for kinship caregivers and it feels strange to resent the child- who has done nothing wrong. But it is common and it happens, and if you feel that way you aren't alone.
Guilt- if your biological child is the one who won't or can't parent. You may feel guilty and blame yourself, because you feel you weren't an adequate parent. Guilt that you aren't able to give the time you would like to the child you are raising due to other obligations. Guilt that you aren't able to give as much time and attention now to your biological children or to grandchildren you aren't raising.
Sadness- for the child. When the child misses their parent, and longs for them and they aren't available. If their parent has been gone a while or has died, you might be grieving yourself.
Fear- about something happening to you- creating another loss for the child.
Anger- about what others say; extended family- people in the grocery store, teachers, or others in your community. Anger that no one seems to really understand what you and your family are going through. Anger that you have to explain who you are to the child and how you are related.
Joy- when the child you are raising lights up the room with a grin, a silly laugh, or a funny face.
These are only a handful of emotions you may be feeling. Remember again, they are all valid. Talking with a trusted therapist may help. A kinship care support group might be helpful too. Remember to be gentle on yourself and keep your expectations, for yourself, in check.
Resentment- towards the parent who is not able or willing to care for their child. And, sometimes, towards the child. This really isn't rational for kinship caregivers and it feels strange to resent the child- who has done nothing wrong. But it is common and it happens, and if you feel that way you aren't alone.
Guilt- if your biological child is the one who won't or can't parent. You may feel guilty and blame yourself, because you feel you weren't an adequate parent. Guilt that you aren't able to give the time you would like to the child you are raising due to other obligations. Guilt that you aren't able to give as much time and attention now to your biological children or to grandchildren you aren't raising.
Sadness- for the child. When the child misses their parent, and longs for them and they aren't available. If their parent has been gone a while or has died, you might be grieving yourself.
Fear- about something happening to you- creating another loss for the child.
Anger- about what others say; extended family- people in the grocery store, teachers, or others in your community. Anger that no one seems to really understand what you and your family are going through. Anger that you have to explain who you are to the child and how you are related.
Joy- when the child you are raising lights up the room with a grin, a silly laugh, or a funny face.
These are only a handful of emotions you may be feeling. Remember again, they are all valid. Talking with a trusted therapist may help. A kinship care support group might be helpful too. Remember to be gentle on yourself and keep your expectations, for yourself, in check.
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