The Negative Things Kinship Parents Tell Themselves

All parents engage in negative self-talk from time-to-time. It can range from a simple "I should have..." to a more complicated, "If I don't get control of this behavior now, this kid will never graduate high school, get addicted to drugs, and end up in jail."

Although this kind of negative self-message can happen to any parent, kinship parents have bigger fears and sometimes fears they feel are justified.  The child's parents may really be addicted or in jail. The fear you have about the child you are raising can seem all too possible. But before you talk yourself in believing this negative Nelly in your head, consider looking critically at these messages. Take a few deep breaths, a mental time-out and refrain from going to that dark place.

Some of the common messages kinship caregivers often tell themselves are:

I made too many mistakes parenting the first time and my kid ended up in jail (or addicted, or homeless, etc) and so this time, I must be the perfect parent.  This time around, you are an experienced parent. You may know more about what you don't want to do and what kind of parent you don't want to be but no one, even experts in parenting, are perfect parents.  There is just no such thing. Give yourself a break and let yourself off the perfectionistic hook. You didn't plan on raising this child and you are doing the best you can.  You are trying really, really hard.  You are providing love and stability and a home with a family member. Expecting that all to be perfect isn't helping anyone, least of all you.

Things should be much better by now. The child you are raising may have been with you for a few years now. You are in a routine and it seems like, by now, he should be sleeping better and acting out less. You should feel less exhausted and life should be more predictable.  One thing that may help this negative self-talk is to remember the very early days when the child was placed with you.  Was he acting out in school every day then? Crying every night? Was the bedtime routine absolutely horrible and now just mildly irritating? Every little success is a success, no matter how small it is.  When you hit a really bumpy patch think back to where you were. And if things really don't seem any better, look at trying to add more supports.

I can't do this anymore!  There may be days, many days, when this thought creeps into your head. You are exhausted and overwhelmed and you really think you can't do it.  It's important not to make this fear known to the child you are raising.  This is when you need what I call a 'hotline' friend.  That one friend (and if you are lucky you have two or three) who knows exactly what you are going through and will just listen and let you vent.  Hopefully you have met a friend who is also raising a relative's child who knows exactly where you are.  If not, a best friend or someone who is an old friend who has known you a long time and is unconditionally supportive, will work.

If you are really at the end of your rope, look at adding some support. Try the kinship care support group in your area if there is one. If not, consider starting one. Talk to a trusted member of your religious community, gather together a couple of neighbors, or call your local mental health agency. Get some respite for yourself. Asking for help is a brave first start to creating a more stable, more peaceful life for you and the child you are raising.

For an online community, check out: www.grandsplace.org.  They have nightly chats where you can vent, get advice and support.  

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